How I missed the big stories

"When Diana died I was on the top of a mountain in Australia. When the Space Shuttle first took off I was in bed with tonsillitis. So when England had the chance to reach the final of Euro 96, where was I? In a German bar in Poland.

"I really do not know what possessed me to move to the one European country not to qualify for Euro 96. Especially as I had to teach English literature to Polish trainee teachers with no interest whatsoever in finding a TV to follow a distant football competition.

"Televisions were difficult to track down at the best of times in Sandomierz, a small town about six hours bus ride east of Krakow, and for a non-Polish speaker whose only friends were would-be poet-teachers, it seemed an impossibility.

"After being forced to listen to the Scottish match on the World Service, complete with crackling reception and a howling dog in the flat above, I realised I needed a change of venue.

"So, for the Germany match i would go to the Czech Republic, but I only reached a German-speaking bar on the Polish side of the border.

"My singing could probably be heard back in Stoke when Shearer netted inside five minutes - but you should try never to stand out in a football crowd. When Stephan Kuntz equalised, the atmosphere became hostile. And then the penalties. Shearer, Sheringham, Platt, Pierce, Gascoigne. I planned my escape route. Sudden death. Southgate . . .

The following week I was in Prague watching the Czechs lose to Germany on a golden goal. My timing had to improve eventually."